Vanilla-Flavored Air

This is by far the weirdest imagination I could ever share on my blog. Well, we all have specific range of imagination depending on the depth and extent of our thinking. While having a cellphone communication with my newest friend who happened to be the person who gave me the idea that I’m digesting right now, my childish behavior suddenly rose above my maturity and pushed me to write something. You may not want it but I’m sure, you cannot resist reading this one.

Here’s the scenario:

“She’s outside of her house probably sorting things out or making an escape from a monotonous place- the fact was  I really don’t know.. Maybe she’s just enjoying the comfort that air can give. It’s free..  Still not that comprehensive and complete or exact to be short… But the tone of her voice gave me an idea that she’s enjoying and that’s what make sense.”

We talked a little about our present situation and anything under the sun. We even talked about senseless things that suddenly got sense over our random extraordinary ideas.  Hmmm.. 5 minutes was a good time knowing that the place was noise-filled and I could not find a good place to talk to her. Surprised and dumb founded by her call, I managed to answer and her voice tinkled in my ear. I could not recall the exact conversation flow and I honestly cannot resist talking to this creation on the other side of the line.

The best thing I found out about her was she’s a happy type person. She can manage to look at life as a short one that really needs a good shot. She’s clever I know. Then our conversation over  SMS went somewhere.

“I want chocolate flavored air”, I texted.

“No more chocolate flavor” she replied.

“If that’s the case, then what’s the available flavor?”

“Vanilla-my most hated flavor” she uttered.

“It’s ok.. I will take that” I said.

Well, nothing serious and nothing formal but that’s the essence of it. Sometimes the best communication spring from something not worth talking about. What if air has a flavor? What if we can choose what kind of air we’ll breathe and just simply feed ourselves somewhere. No hunger I guess.

Enough of this thing. I need to reply on her text.I’m writing this one while texting her.

High School is Cool

Does anybody care about high school memories? Admit it or not, the people and circumstances you met during transition period  have the potential of carving something in your heart. I’m not sure if I was cool that time but there’s one thing that I regret I did, I never studied well. I was even not so interested about the notes written on the board. While everyone was busy copying, hurrying up taking down notes in order to escape the jail-like classroom, I was so relaxed drawing the face of Robert Pagunsan on a single piece of paper stripped on one of my classmate’s notebooks. So damn lazy fingers but that’s who I was before. Now I’m suffering the consequence of not having a good penmanship as in I’ve got to the point of finding it hard to understand my own writings. I blame no one, except for myself. I only had a single pen on my dot, line and ink-filled pocket and it was an honor for me to have a whole pad before. I was so damn.. damn.. damn… never mind.

Eventhough I had the most inappropriate manner in high school, I still emerged an honor student. I’m not saying this to brag. I could only point out some ideas and lessons based on my high school experiences.

Yes, people were so proud of me. My friends, relatives, etc. believed in me and the things that I could do. I could make waves and let them crush the sand. I could create winds and distract the air waves.

But don’t live a life that I lived before. I advise you not! Do not even make it an option!

Study well and obey the law. Not to mention I was also an officer climbing the fences for not wearing proper uniform.

It’s a shame. Tsk. Tsk. I’m sorry my Alma Mater.

Anyways, High School is cool in general.

Thanks for the memories!

This is dedicated to ELNHS batch 2001

Tags: cool, high school

Sometimes

There is a place called “somewhere” where I want to go. I admit I’m not in the right mood today. I mean, I don’t have a bad temper. It’s just that I’m longing for something that would fill the emptiness that I feel inside. I’ve been pouring out so many liquids in the cups of different empty people and It’s just that I feel empty today.’

Have I poured too much on them?

Is there anything left for me?

Sometimes I feel like lost in the shore of uncertainty.I admit I’m weak inside even though people consider me strong. I cannot rearrange myself the way that I want to be. I’m just wondering why there are so many “whys” in my mind that I can’t think right and do just right. Sometimes I’m so consumed with these “whys” that I cannot focus on the things to do. There are so many people who depends on me. There are so many tasks on my shoulders. I must not quit. I must not give up. I must not die. I mustn’t. Oh my. It’s hard. It’s really hard.

I don’t know if I’m just too concerned of my comfort or what. I don’t know either if I cannot live under pressure. Before, I was so excited to have a responsibility to prove my worth. To show to the world that I am a real human. Vulnerable and capable of doing the things that others do. But then when life struggles came to face me, they knocked me down slowly and painfully.

Life itself is not that fair.

Sometimes…

I’m thinking of quitting. And this is the moment that I really and honestly “hate myself”.

This is one of those “SOMETIMES.”

Please allow me to enjoy this moment of sadness.

Don’t worry it only happens sometimes.

Not forever.

Tags: sometimes

War of Stomach and Head

My body parts don’t always agree with each other. Eight hours ago, I suffered from extreme hunger and sleepiness at the same time. I needed to chose whether I would position on a dining table or find myself lying on a five-inch thick foam hugging a pillow while the orbit fan’s on. I honestly cannot do the two things at the same time. If I would front a dining table, my eyes would fall easily and I might sink on my plate. If I would go to sleep, it wouldn’t be nice to take a nap with an empty stomach. I was so uncomfortable.

The result..

I took a nap for an hour and a half. I woke up hungry as a bear. I suddenly took a walk to the nearest store to find something to eat.

Well, nothing’s so significant bout this story but let me tell you one thing. “Be very responsible and never take your health for granted.”

There will never be second chances when death comes.

Tags: comfort, death, head, heart, nap, stomach

The Unnoticed Pursuit

This story took place 14 years ago. Neglected and denied to exist but somehow relived in order to inspire? stir? teach? … whatever is the purpose of this story depends on the reader. It speaks uniquely on everyone. No matter who you are and what kind of road you trudge,  read this very carefully and bedazzled with eyes glistening how serendipity sometimes fail. I’m not saying its bad nor evil. I have this common perception on things and how the entire universe conspire to bring together two souls and also how it fails to coordinate to purposely  create a story embedded deeply on the hearts of the souls involved. So, let me now do the story telling…

Last month someone accused me of stealing her first kiss. I indicted and protested but I was rebuked and reminded of something that took place in the past. Something that I didn’t settle.

I was on the fifth grade when I met this girl. She had the most beautiful face in the room. Well, of course she was my crush and it’s a normal thing. I spent months and months of making her the apple of my eye and I cannot deny that I was beginning to fall in love with her. I didn’t notice that I was in the midst of risking my entity for the girl I fist saw. There were moments when I made irregular moves such as getting close to her by grabbing the seat owned by someone and of course, my favorite game, the “catch-me-I’m-staring-at-you” game. Good thing was, she also played the same thing. I know my precious reader you also did the same thing don’t you?

Let me continue…

A year after, I was paired  to someone they thought was the one I liked. Honestly she’s beautiful but the thing was and this was where everyone failed to know me about. I was not so concerned with the way someone looked. I was honest with the way I felt. Until one time the girl that I was eying teased me asking me “you are in love with her right?”

No, I said.

Yes you are, she insisted.

No, I don’t, I replied. “If you don’t stop teasing me, I will kiss you.” I proposed.

“Well, then kiss me, she uttered.

I kissed her. (I became her first kiss)

She cried.

I garnered so many counsels because of what I did.

Graduation came and that was the last time we saw each other. The first thing she did was knowing where will I study in high school and she succeeded. She knew where and she enrolled immediately to that school. The tragic thing was, I was not able to study there. Our roads didn’t cross. We walked on different ends. I forgot about her. My feelings for her. My hidden emotions that I never let her know. I didn’t make any steps to be close to her. The fact was, I was such a chicken-hearted guy who don’t have the courage to walk the talk. To sail the plot. And to materialize the dream. She kept our pictures together. That’s who I was to her.

I have difficulties on pursuing my college dream course but still I fought with all my heart the dream I have. I wanted to become a teacher so I took the exams on my dream university of my dream course. Another tragic thing happened. I was moved easily by my uncle’s confession since he was an educator. My idol. The one I looked up to. Gave me another option. The result: I took the other end. I was not able to enroll on my dream university with my dream course. Without my knowledge, the girl I’m talking about enrolled on my dream university with my dream course. That should be a good coincidence. The serendipity I needed. In my dreams, I may have taken the chances of saying my feelings for her. I may not felt the same thing but at least I must have stood with pride and dignity saying my feelings for her. This was another mystique encounter.

Now for the finale. Because of Facebook, its really possible for us to meet again. It’s good this time because we both are in the right age to be involved in “relationships”. I’m saying this in general. I mean we are not children anymore. It took 14 years for me to say my feelings for her. She didn’t know. She’s shocked when I told her that she’s my crush. I was double shocked when she told me that I was her crush also. We’re supposedly together. We’re supposedly building dreams and family together. But it’s too late. She’s holding a baby now with a wonderful husband that she fought for. And I, being in a slight dilemma and despair, would only strike a stare at her happy faces with her baby.

It’s nice. Nothing’s sweeter that reminiscing the past. And if it’s connected with the present, its much sweeter. With this girl, I’m  so thankful for showing me who I am, for reminding me that once in her life she admired “Indie” .

I don’t have a bitter emotions for her since we’re not this close when we were in elementary. It’s weird that we built our friendship 14 years after.

And one thing, I don’t hope of going back to the past just to make her mine, as what I said in my previous article. Everything’s worth keeping and worth accepting no matter how good or bad they have been. I’m so thankful for her.

She adds more colors to my skies. With her baby, I know they can create a rainbow above me.

I’m so thankful with this UNNOTICED PURSUIT.

Tags: cherish, first love, friendship, love, memories, past, raibow, skies

The Sky Has Lost its Colors

Heavy rains, heavy hearts. Which is harder to carry? Its 2:00 in the morning and the silhouette of the tree swayed by the angry wind is fronting me. I could not escape the view since my bed is positioned in its most strategic place. I can only move my eyeballs left and right, up and down and any ways I could but it’s useless. It cannot hide the scene that is slowly eating me up. Every blow strikes my innermost core and deliberately showing me how intrepid it is to live in this cruel world. How frustrating it is to hope for something that we’re not sure of its existence. The noise so far is not the kind of music that I want to hear and it’s obvious that I want to escape and go to a place somewhere where the kind of colors that I want to see is everywhere. Where the sweetest sound captivates my ever lonely heart.

I have so many complains in life. I mean, I could complain over a spilled milk and not able to wipe the table well. I could complain over a not so good behavior of someone I wish would act the way I want him to be. It will take a thousand letters for me to enumerate them all. Even if I’ll try to take down every single details, my thoughts, my emotion have something in capacity that will add weight in the list. The list cannot contain everything that is written.

While I’m writing this article, the wind is blowing in the angriest it could. I don’t know if he knows how I feel. I don’t know if he’s reading what I’m writing right now. I don’t know if all he wants is for me to see how powerful he is.

I’m drowning and sinking somewhere not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to express that I need help in this situation. But then I beckon on my mind. It has a power I fail to calculate. What everything we need depends on how we think and act on it. If it’s on our mind then we already have it. It only needs an action. We earnestly desire for so many things in life without putting into consideration what we really want. It’s all in our mind.

Do not underestimate the power of an awake mind. It can move the heart and soul in action. It can drive us somewhere. Beyond the clouds even if the sky has lost its colors.

It is indeed a great escape!

Tags: emotion, heart, the sky has lost its colors, wind

Regret-Removal Antidote

Unsure of what would happen next.. It’s better not to make any step at all. I mean, its easier to mess up things than to collect broken pieces and bind them again. I do have a cumbersome amount of regrets in my mind. Let me think.. regrets of not enrolled in the university I wanted. Regrets of not being the most recognized student because of my loyalty to my barkadas. Regrets of not having the girl that I dreamed of. Hmmm.. reciprocally speaking, these are the things that I should not worry about. If it took years for me to definitely know who I really am and what are the things that I should take into consideration, its probably because a voice at the back of my head has been so kind to me to lead me to the people that I needed to know and things that I needed to experience. All in all to keep me who I am right now. We often hear the phrase “If only” and it became a wishful thinking poem of someone wishing to go back to the past to repair something. A broken heart or something.

I cannot blame you all people for not doing your part well in my life. I may have screwed you up or in some cases, you did that to me but let me now release my forgiveness.

We cannot go back to the past. It’s only in our dreams and in the movies. If there is a time machine, I would not dare even a single chance to go back to the past. I would be excited to go to the future where regrets are not real. Past can only add burden to us. Let us learn lessons and do not dwell on them. This is the best regret-removal antidote. Learn to move on.

Tags: past, regret